ETERNITY WITHOUT YOU

It’s hard to feel okay when you always push my feelings aside. Those were the last words I said to you.

Watching you in front of my casket, probably hurt me worse than the car crash did. Though I know you will never feel peace again, I’m happy to know you finally understand. The pain I went through when I was with you. Never truly knowing if you’d come back or not.

I wish I could hate you for being here, but we both know that will never happen.

“I’m sorry,” He uttered the words, brokenly. Nothing like how he used to be, smiling, and joking in the worst of situations. Just for me to laugh. But that’s not the case anymore. “I’m so fucking sorry, I hurt you. I was just so fucking scared to see you walk away.” The words were broken as he softly cried and grabbed my hand in his.

It sent a chill through me to see my hand in his only to feel nothing from him. Seeing him like this spurs every emotion in my head, I feel like I should feel something. Why do I feel so numb? Looking down at my hands, it was hard to not see how transparent I was. Like my body was fading away. The idea scares me, and I clumsily rush to Bryan’s side.

“I forgive you. Please just take me back. Please, tell me this is a bad dream. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for crashing the car. I forgive you for not loving me back.” However, my words fall on deaf ears and my touch only fades through him. Finally, he lays his rose on my cold, dead chest and takes his leave from me. “No, please. I love you, Bryan. Please stay,” my voice cracks on the words as I stumble after him. I wanted things to change but not like this. I wanted to overcome this obstacle but all you ever do is put more in front of us. I wished we never learned to fight but I also wished you fought for me instead of against me.

However, all my thoughts are silenced as the doors close behind you, leaving me alone. I clenched my fist and grabbed onto the nearby plastic chairs to throw them in hopes that destroying everything would make it all go away.

It doesn’t and time continues without me next to you.

Briefly, I wonder, what the hell did I do? Though the thought leaves me as I start to see every moment, I spent with you. Each memory brings me down until I’m on my knees in the middle of the messy funeral hall. My clammy hands grip the carpet beneath me as the tears start to overflow my eyesight. Squeezing them shut, I feel a warmth burst from my chest as my body slowly loses its senses. Where I could no longer feel the carpet, identify the emotions in my head, or see the morbid funeral hall.

My memories slowly fade until nothing is left around me but the warmth of the sun. But I find peace as your laughter rings around me and finally, I hear the words I so desperately wanted to hear from you.

“I love you, too.”

Rachel Resendes comes from the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. In her free time, she likes to draw and write.