FROM CONFRONTATION TO COMPREHENSION: Exploring Empathy and Identity in the Digital Age

As people sought normalcy through online communities, virtual gatherings, and live-streamed events amidst the uncertainty of the COVID-19 pandemic, I found myself embarking on an unexpected exploration of understanding and empathy that began as a now stereotypical Facebook argument about the newly released vaccine. I said people who refused to get the vaccine were unpatriotic. Unknowingly my statement had offended Andi[1] to the point of outrage. They demanded an apology from me and accused me of being a “Nazi dictator”. I told Andi to “F*** off and never speak to me or anyone in my family again!” It wasn’t the brightest of foundations for personal discovery and reconnection. However, the subsequent two years of private conversations led me back to the small town where I grew up and, more importantly, to a reconnection with Andi, a childhood friend whose life took a markedly different path from my own. In this essay, I analyze my conversations with Andi and attempt to understand the nuances of how their political beliefs intertwine with their personal identity as transgender woman. Through this exploration, I have come to appreciate the complexity of human interactions and the profound impact of fear and vulnerability on the sense of self.

Our vitriolic reunion stood in stark contrast to our childhood but our confrontation served as a catalyst for a deeper exploration of differences, shared experiences and what we still had in common. Growing up our parents worked together in town, and, like many kids in the 1980s, Andi and I would often be left alone to entertain ourselves as our parents worked. In elementary school we spent as many hours sledding down giant piles of snow as we did damming and diverting the meltwater from those same piles come spring. When we were seniors in high school, Andi and I were voted the two ‘easiest to talk to’ people in our class, a trait that has since propelled us through some complex conversations. As we grew older, our paths diverged significantly. I left our small town of 4,800 people to explore new horizons and higher education. Andi's life remained deeply rooted in our hometown. Andi went away for college but did not finish and ended up choosing to stay close to home, living in an apartment near their childhood home. Andi is known as “The Plow Guy” because they clear hundreds of miles of snow each winter. Whereas, I am known as “Dr. Lis” because I work with hundreds of grad students each year. These contrasts in our lives set the stage for a profound learning experience.

Andi is a self-identified libertarian, Republican, and a transgender woman living in secrecy. I am a progressive, Democratic Socialist cisgender woman living as an open book. Andi lives by themself and has not had any significant partnerships. I live with my husband of eighteen years and our two daughters. My conversations with Andi spanned two years and revealed the complexities of identity, the dynamics of living in a small town, and the importance of empathetic and open-minded engagement. Andi's narrative is a rich tapestry of political beliefs, gender identity, and the interplay between private and public selves. While open about their political views, they hesitated to delve deeply into their transgender journey. In one of our conversations, Andi mentioned, "I don't want to get into my personal experience. But that's difficult." This statement reflected the challenges they faced in managing their identity in different spheres, balancing the need for privacy with the demands of their public image. To respect Andi’s desire to remain anonymous, all personal details about them shared in this essay remain faithful to the person Andi is yet mask their actual identity. All quotes are taken directly from my conversations with Andi and have not been edited.

Unraveling Identities: Andi's Libertarian Beliefs and Transgender Experience

As a libertarian Republican, Andi values personal freedom, a principle typically associated with autonomy, self-reliance, and a minimal role for government in personal affairs. “I've always had freedom and liberty as a core principle. Being an American those came from, in my view, the Creator. I believe they were enshrined by the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution. Both political parties had some things right and some things wrong so I saw the philosophy as more closely adhering to those core principles,” Andi told me. Their public beliefs often emphasize the importance of individual choice and the liberty to shape one's life without undue external influence. Andi's alignment with libertarian principles was evident in our discussions. When asked about their draw to libertarianism, Andi emphasized the importance of personal freedom, they said, "I'm literally starting my transgender journey, and need to make some really personal medical choices,” this comment spoke to the complexity of navigating personal freedom within the context of societal norms and personal identity.

My views stand in stark contrast to Andi’s, as I explained, “I am a sucker for government programs. I believe deeply that everyone should be provided for no matter whether they can earn it on their own or not. Call me a pinko, leftist commie if you like.” Andi’s response was stunning, “The funny part is that I’m agreeing with you.” Andi shared insights into the evolution of their perspective on universal healthcare and a single-payer system as we talked about our childhood, “Back then it wasn't an okay thing to think about so I just had to be what I was but all these years later when it's like it's okay to be transgendered and people are accepting of it. That changes my entire mental equation.” This revelation came as Andi delved into a deeper discussion about their lifelong stance against what they called “socialist government programs”.

In Andi's life, the libertarian ethos of personal freedom becomes a lens through which their journey as a transgender individual gains additional complexity. It presents a scenario where their political convictions, often associated with conservative views on gender and sexuality, intersect with their personal experience as someone who defies conventional gender norms. This was exemplified when Andi told me about an interaction they had with Vivek Ramaswamy, a candidate for President known for vocally opposing what he calls “wokeism”[2]. Ranswamy declared “transgenderism” a mental health issue during an interview with Breitnart media saying, “So my view is that people … say their gender doesn’t match their biological sex, that means they’re suffering from a condition, and the compassionate thing to do is not to affirm that confusion,” he continued. “That is not compassionate. That is cruelty,” he went on to label people who identify as transgender as having a “deluded and mentally deranged state.”[3] Nevertheless, Andi enthusiastically attended a recent campaign stop where they asked Ramaswamy about incentives for domestic production of energy. Despite Ramaswamy’s views of people who identify as transgender, his thumbs-up to deregulation increased Andi’s support for him.

When viewed through the lens of their gender identity, Andi’s support for Ramaswamy seems incongruent and challenges the stereotypical notions about the alignment of political and gender identities. Ramaswamy’s claim that people who identify as transgender suffer from a mental illness is an example of the contrasting messages Andi has had to unravel and unpack about themself. Andi continuously bushwacks their way through personal attacks without letting their public persona crack. They have spent their lifetime figuring out this balance but it is a battle that has taken its toll.

Public Persona vs. Private Struggles: Navigating Community and Individuality

Throughout our conversations, Andi exhibited instances of fear and apprehension regarding their transgender identity being discovered. They acknowledged the need for privacy, "There are some things some people do like to keep private. And don't like to talk about publicly." This sentiment was echoed in their concerns about the consequences of their identity becoming public, "And there are very few people you can trust to talk about this particular issue with it being so private. And then when it becomes public, and then you have to deal with a can of worms."

The “can of worms” Andi does not want to open refers to how personal and public lives often intersect in a small community. Andi’s public persona, as “The Plow Guy” shapes their role in the community and is a visible aspect of their identity. Andi is also an officer in the local hunting club, a role typically associated with men and subject to societal perceptions and expectations of ruggedness and strength. Simultaneously, their private struggle with gender identity reveals a juxtaposition of public visibility and private introspection. It raises questions about how public personas are crafted and maintained and how they coexist with, or sometimes conceal, the more intimate aspects of one’s identity. If asked, ten out of ten people in our hometown would identify Andi as “The Plow Guy” but only 0.1 out of ten would identify Andi as Andrea. For Andi, their public life as a community member conceals their private life, where their gender identity is a more hidden, yet integral part of who they are. “I am so excited to finally actually be able to be Andrea. I can’t even describe how much it means to me,” Andi shared when we talked about who Andrew was and who Andrea is becoming, “I’m just so happy that I can finally admit I’m Andrea!”

Finding Common Ground: Shared Perspectives and Moral Support

Andi and I found common ground in several areas. We agreed on the importance of having safe spaces where individuals can be themselves. We never used the term “safe spaces,” but we discussed the importance of non-judgmental places where people can just be who they are without being afraid of what other people think. Andi's aversion to heels as a defining attribute of womanhood was something else we agreed on, leading to a light-hearted yet meaningful exchange where I remarked, "Heels are evil and I avoid them at all costs. They don't make anyone more of a woman!" This moment exemplifies the comfort and familiarity that had grown between us.

Throughout our discussions, there were moments of deep empathy and understanding. Andi affirmed my support for them in our most recent interaction, “Thank you so much for understanding,” they said. “The reality is that I really don't understand how you feel. I just know that your experience is valid!” I affirmed. Our mutual understanding and respect for each other, despite our differences, were vital in creating meaningful dialogue and learning. "I respect your political opinions, and I hope mine get respect also," Andi expressed. In contrast to our initial argument, our mutual respect was foundational in our dialogues. It underscored the importance we both placed on open-mindedness and the willingness to engage in conversations that span across the political spectrum, which allowed us to explore our differing views while maintaining a sense of regard and acknowledgment.

When we discussed women’s clothing, Andi stood firmly on the side of pretty dresses. I remarked how they sounded like my 16-year-old daughter getting ready for homecoming. “That’s funny,” Andi replied, “because I kind of am going through puberty again,” this was in reference to them beginning hormone treatments. Andi was about to start a profound period of change where they faced the potential for intense judgement and rejection from a community they have devoted their life to. Yet this second chance at puberty was reshaping not just Andi’s body but also their sense of self. “So funny how I'm starting one of the most intense Journeys. But I'm so excited for it. Literally excited for it.” Their excitement, like most things about Andi, was complex. They are going through deep self-discovery at an age when many people are getting stuck in their ways. In a sense, Andi is a teenager again except this time they seem determined to rebel against community expectations and proudly be themselves.

Reflecting on Shared Journeys: Embracing Diversity and Commonality

My interactions with Andi were not just an exploration of contrasting beliefs and lifestyles; they are evidence of the enduring bonds of childhood and the intricate ways our lives remain interconnected despite divergent paths. My journey with Andi is an ongoing study in empathy, understanding, and the complexity of human identity. It is an affirmation that despite the myriad differences that emerged in our conversations, Andi and I found significant common ground, particularly in our views on personal values. One such area was our stance on vaccines. After the argument about the Covid-19 vaccine discussed in the introduction, Andi clarified their position in a private message, stating, "I'm not anti-vax. I'm pro-vaccine; I'm just not sure about people being forced to quit or get fired over it." I still believe all people who can get the vaccine should get the vaccine. Even so Andi’s clarification made sense to me; it reflected a shared concern for personal autonomy and the implications of government mandates, things we both viewed as complex and multifaceted.

Amid our discussions of personal autonomy, community expectations, and identity our conversations took an unexpected turn. We transformed a Facebook argument into a meaningful exploration of our shared past, and evolving perspectives. The irony of my journey with Andi lies in its beginning – this unexpected storyline is a reminder of the unpredictable nature of human relationships. Through our interactions, Andi and I discovered the shared childhood that lay beneath the surface of our ideological differences. Our friendship stands as a testament to the transformative power of open, honest communication and the surprising connections it can forge. Facebook arguments often end in a dramatic unfriending, and momentarily I considered that route, but I’m glad I didn’t because Andi and my evolution from confrontation to mutual understanding has become a digital anomaly I will always cherish.

References

Knudsen, H. B. (2023, July 6). Brietbart. Retrieved from https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2023/07/06/exclusive-vivek-ramaswamy-transgenderism-is-a-mental-health-disorder/

Ramaswamy, V. (2021). Woke, Inc.: Inside Corporate America's Social Justice Scam. Center Street.

[1] “Andi” is a pseudonym and represents the boy I knew as Andrew and the woman they are now, named Andrea. I will use they/them pronouns for Andi to encompass this change.

[2] (Ramaswamy, 2021)

[3] (Knudsen, 2023)

Elisebeth Boyer about herself: My journey, both professional and personal, has always revolved around the pursuit of understanding and empathy. As the Director of Academic Affairs and Assessment at Methodist Theological School in Ohio, I have spearheaded initiatives to align educational programs with institutional values, fostering an environment of intellectual inquiry and innovation. My academic background, with a Ph.D. in Curriculum & Instruction from Penn State University, complements my commitment to pedagogical excellence. However, my story extends beyond academia. As an avid reader, world traveler, and a mother deeply rooted in the values of social justice, my life experiences have been as varied as they have been enriching. From the mountains of New Hampshire, where I grew up skiing, to the home I’ve built on the prairies of Central Ohio, my world is a tapestry of diverse experiences and beliefs. This richness of life is mirrored in my essay.