IT'S NOTHING

It’s Nothing

My insides burn, even as I feel like I’ll never be warm again.
Cold seeps into my skin, again.
Again. Just earlier, I was thinking about how useful that word is.
And annoying.

I was thinking about how useful I was,
And annoying.
I was thinking about how useless you are.
And infuriating.

“What’s wrong?” you ask.
“Nothing,” I tell you.
“It’s nothing,” you tell me too,
“Don’t worry.“

I was thinking about how you’re not even one person,
But so many.
How I’m not even a person,
But nothing.

Nothing. I wonder if I should rechristen myself that.
I wonder if it would make a difference.
It’s not like I’ve ever needed to wear a sign with that word around my neck
For people to know.

Still.
It chokes me.
Still you choke me.
Still, I choke me.

If a person is choking on nothing,
Are they still dying?
Are we ever doing anything
Other than dying?

I saw a quote that says
A ship sinks due not to the water around it
But rather that which sneaks inside
And pulls the ship under.

I thought of the Titanic.
How it was unsinkable and just starting out
How warnings went unheeded
Then, distress signals, unheard.

I think of how the ship did nothing
But be perfect
So perfect that the people within it
Felt invincible.

How one of them ran that perfect ship into a piece of ice
How the scratch bled inward rather than out
A small, mortal wound no one feared.
No one important, anyway.

Nobody was afraid.
He was closer to the fissure, felt it in his own body.
Still he was told from on high not to worry,
Close his eyes and go to sleep.

I think of how he couldn’t, only to sleep forevermore.
Terrorized by frantic cries, whistles, and orders,
Cheered by playful shouts, music, and laughter,
Both cacophonies leading down to the depths.

The nobody who made it out of perfection
Clung to its splintered pieces
Even as he, as the ship,
Filled slowly with that which they moved through naturally.

For him, it was merely air. Frozen air.
The kind that made him feel
Like he’d never be warm again.
He, smoldering, wasn’t.

But the light did not go out from his eyes.
It flickered far away from him as he watched,
Gazing at the Important
As they retreated from nothing to fear and cursed the inconvenience.

In boats with space for him as well
Looking at anything but him
Even as the nobody watching could no longer see
Eyes opened wide with nothing behind them.

Nothing could sink a perfect, unsinkable ship
And did
Important people fled from nothing, into nothing
Out of reach and not returning or sustaining a single scratch.

I am nothing. I did nothing.
It is not my name but who I am
So is this.
Whatever this is.

And you, whatever you are,
Felt invincible as I held you in my unbreakable heart.
Ran it into something Nobody fears, full steam ahead.
Against all warnings and had no use for distress signals.

I watch as you drift away.
Important and needing to escape,
From nothing, into nothing.
Not a mark on you.

It is I who am killing myself,
Over nothing, you say.
Only a small wound that’s not even bleeding.
Can’t my staring eyes see that nothing is seeping from it?

My life has just begun, and is perfect, you tell me.
Just listen to the melodies covering the chaos.
Close my eyes, breathe deep, and sleep.
It’s nothing.

What It’s Like

To: everyone I’ve ever loved.
To: everyone I ever wished loved me.
To: those I will always love.
To: those who never will.

Do you know?
Do you have any idea what it’s like?
To have someone give you something precious,
And snatch it back in a single strike

I’m mad enough to smile,
Smile for a while.
I love you just enough to hate you,
Don’t care enough to cry.

Do you know?
Do you have any idea what it’s like?
No, you don’t.
So get out; take a hike.

I’m weak enough to move mountains.
I cherish you, so I want you desecrated.
This
Is how it feels to be hated.

Why don’t you understand?
How can you not know?
I told you through silence and lies,
Showed you it all with my hands over your eyes.

I’m lost enough to know my way.
Sick enough to shine.
I’ll share you just enough
To be only mine.

I know just how to get what I want.
But never what I need.
Have everything and nothing
Necessary to succeed.

I’ve been broken ’til I was whole,
Lost so many times, I think I’ve won.
Been crippled ‘til I could run
And only feel safe under the aim of a gun.

How do you not know?
Why can’t you get what it’s like?
I wish you knew how it feels.
I wish I was hurt enough to heal.

No, I’m glad you don’t understand.
I hope you never know what it’s like.
Free only enough to be entrapped?
I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Ashlee Bellows is a currently earning a creative writing certificate from Full Sail University, where she earns top marks. She has a deep love of writing and has ever since kindergarten when instructed to make her use of her teacher’s college-ruled paper worth their while. Her reader subscriptions number in the 20,000s across various websites, including one where she earned multiple “All Time Best” awards and a place among its top 100 novelists. She has also completed NaNoWriMo several years in a row. Of chief importance in her literary endeavors is connecting with audiences, stirring their emotions—particularly, empathy—and galvanizing them on behalf of those in need. This commitment is reflected in her personal life, in which she sponsors six extremely impoverished children all around the world with whom she regularly exchanges letters, covers their basic needs, and has even visited in-person to ensure and boost their well-being.