SCHRODINGER'S CRUSH

It’s 8:00pm outdoors in the middle of a field of Juniper trees. I’m freezing cold, I try to stay as close to the fire as possible. Behind me were 2 cars including my own, and a truck. A group of about 9 people and I were surrounding it, I wasn’t really keeping count, I had three people I was focusing on, Trenton, Maddison, and Daniel.

Trenton is what I would describe as my wingman, he’s the one who I could ask about dating, since he’s had the most experience out of all my friends. Ironically though, I had to be the one to give him a reality check because I got exhausted of him feeling bad about his ex-girlfriend for 5 months. Eventually I got to him because I understood how he felt. He wasn’t in love with ex, he was in love with the idea of his ex. It took me actually talking to his ex to realize the unparallel feelings. I check my phone, it’s 8:10 pm I’m sharpening a stick with Daniel’s pocket knife. The reality of Trenton’s ex, the dream of his ex.

It's exactly how I’ve been feeling about Maddison, or Maddie as most people would say. I’ve had a crush on her for months now. There isn’t an issue with that however, I’ve been feeling lonely a while before I met her. As time would go on, I’d feel more in need of a partner, and as soon as I had a crush on Maddie, I projected that desire on her. I did my best to stop it, but I guess I was that desperate.

I’m thinking of the idea of Schrodinger’s cat. I don’t remember the it very well but in theory, if Maddison felt 50/50 about my feelings, that would mean that as of now, her answer would be yes and no simultaneously. I’m choosing to not think about it in case my odds worsen.

I check my phone it’s 8:18pm. I smirk as I see Maddie shiver a little under her blanket. It sucks to have my mindset because I know despite the fact I have feelings for Maddie, there’s nothing tangible there besides the idea of Maddison. I was able to let go of that idea, and I was doing better. That was up until a week ago when Maddie asked Daniel out to prom just as I was dropping her off at her house. A little bit of me died inside.

Daniel always felt like the most experienced of the group. He was the only one that actually owned guns, he knew places to hike and take a look at, he was very dependable, and he’s probably the most mature of the despite being a year younger than me. Although he can be a little too goofy sometimes, so I’d actually say we even ourselves out. I had started to get a hunch that Maddie might be into Daniel, but actually asking him out was a death sentence to me. I remember being straight up unresponsive for the next couple of hours. Thinking about Maddison has that of effect you.

I finished sharpening my stick. Maddie had teased me about how flimsy my last one was. I walk up to her,

“Is this good?” I ask her, showing the stick to her.

“Yeah, that’ll do,” she replied.

I’m not convinced, “I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.”

“You think too much sometimes,” Maddie rolls her eyes, “you sharpened it well.”

“Guess I can’t complain” I pick up a marshmallow, and I start roasting it. I get a grocery list text from my dad; at the same time, I see it’s 8:31pm. We’re all leaving at 10 however, Maddie has a 9:00 curfew. I’ve been focusing on the time because I want to drive her home, that way it would be just the two of us and I could tell her how I feel about her as well as ask her out.

I check my phone it’s 8:40pm, I start feeling a stinging feeling in my gut. I talked to Trenton earlier this week. He was there when she asked Daniel out, turns out Trenton talked to him after that. Turns out he isn’t interested in Maddie, so I feel okay asking her out before anything happens at prom. I’m probably crazy, but I won’t give up Maddison. It’s 8:43pm and there’s a look on her face like she’s getting ready to go.

“I can give you a ride home,” I say to her.

She gives me a friendly smile, “Yeah, that’s fine.” She makes her way to my car.

We’re both in my car now, heading to her house, I’m thinking about how I’ve handled the situation as a whole. Just today, I ignored all of my friends, and I only thought of the people that were related to Maddison, I hardly even talked to anyone. I know should let go but I can’t. My heart is pounding, the feeling in my gut is intense, and I’m starting cry.

Maddie looks at me “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t really say, not yet anyway. It probably doesn’t matter.”

“All right, well I hope you can work it out.”

“I’ll be all right, thanks.”

I wonder why Maddison would care to ask. It could just be a decent person kind of gesture, but at the same time Maddie’s always been considerate. She’s kind even to people who push her away. She doesn’t mind getting teased, most of the time she rolls with the punches. More than anything though, Maddie has that type of contagious excitement, that makes you want do things you would never consider before. I like Maddie.

She would say no. That’s been the truth behind the Schrodinger’s cat idea. As long as I never put much thought about it the answers would be either 50/50 or no simultaneously. Hypotheses are meant to proven no matter how stupid they are. As much as I desire I relationship, I’m not ready for one. Even if like Maddie now, the idea of Maddison still has a chokehold on me.

“Hey Maddie, we’re friends, right?”

“Yeah, I thought that was obvious, why do you ask?”

“Nothing, it’s just nice to have company.”

I’m pulling up to her house. I check the time it’s 9:00pm. Maddie gets out.

“See you later Sheldon. I hope you feel better,” she says.

“Thanks, see you later Maddie.”

Goodbye Maddison.