THE HEARTLESS ANGELS

The mist of the night fell upon me as I dreamed and floated in the stars in thoughts of her. My spirit flew with the angels as we searched each cloud for her presence. I was crippled in my search because a piece of my heart was missing. Like a thief in the night, she took it away and left an open wound that would never heal without her presence.

In the past, I was complete within myself. That state of being no longer existed. The thoughts of her are warm and gentle and welcome, but only remind me of the pleasures of being with her.

So, the sweet angels continued to assist my crippled spirit to search the clouds for her. I don’t know if she was hiding or lost in the confusion of life. The angels tell me in silent reassurances that their Father did not create loneliness. He created love and allowed its fragile purity to enter the paradox of life. The variable of his most treasured creation is intensity, allowing the mutual intensity of love to overcome all paradoxes.

As I searched and searched the night away, I saw occasional glimpses of her beauty at sunset and sunrise. My intensity was shattering and sometimes I enjoyed the temporary healing of my wounds within dreams of her.

But the heartless angels refuse to allow me to find her and I am left searching for eternity.

EVENING BREEZE

The evening breeze on this February night releases memories. Precious memories when I thought my heart would burst from the aching for her.

Memories when songs were more beautiful, life more radiant, and happiness a living force. All because she loved me… all because she was a part of me.

The evening breeze whispers to me softly about things that could have been, two souls as one – understanding, feeling, and loving.

The sunset sends rays of brilliant light streaming over the water, without shame for the incomparable beauty and its mastery of my senses.

Accompanied by the evening breeze it presents an irresistible force of loneliness. For when I call out her name, the breeze presents the beautiful sound of the sunset and it is lost – as she is lost to me. Now again, the gentle evening breeze caresses my thoughts and the memories are enhanced and I am reminded that I will hold these priceless memories within me forever, to open them at sunset and sunrise and in moments of love and in moments of loneliness.

This timeless love, given and received will never be the past. It can only be caressed in the present when the evening breeze blows gently in our hearts.

ASSAULT ON THE WALL

I closed my eyes but awakened suddenly in a daze. When I went to sleep I was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack, but now, I’m not in the hospital anymore.

I’m at home in Houston. The day appears to be like any other, except for the knot in my stomach that formed sometime during the night and is thriving in anticipation of something. I must be careful with my actions and thoughts because the subconscious is more powerful and accurate than reality. The knot must be its creation, the subconscious mind’s child born on this day. I dismount my bed, perform my normal morning tasks, and walk outside to enter the day.

The haze is present as it has been for days, the sunlight concealed by the damn haze and the light mist of rain falling looks everlasting. Without sunlight, everything appears less vibrant. The grass has long since turned brown and died. Even water has a slightly metallic taste. Whenever a bird sings, it’s a little off key, and love and emotion in my mind are conspicuous in their absence. These conditions don’t particularly depress me. Maybe, as life progresses mentally and physically, this is the natural state of our private world…if you are emotionally alone.

Our creator made life the brightest at birth and the dimming process immediately begins, evolving into darkness at death. In between, most humans just play the game, survive their lives, endure fear, and avoid risks until darkness consumes their souls.

As I stand at my doorstep, life’s standard maze of the day confronts me. As usual, I step forward and enter its contradictions. I always found my way through each maze, since I was cursed with a will that cannot recognize defeat. I’m determined to understand the complexities of life's directions before the sun ceases to exist and the final darkness allows me to rest.

Abruptly, a brilliant light crashes the shadows and the passageways of my mind. The maze is desecrated by its heat. It is shocking in its rudeness of interrupting my routine. I angrily look for the source of the intrusion. The light flashes and diminishes and flees to the west, forming a red ball of light in the distance. The mist of rain stops for an instant but soon resumes, accompanied

by an unusually cold breeze. The knot in my stomach tightens, “What the hell is going on?” I say aloud to myself. I decide to follow the light to solve its mysteries.

Time throughout my journey passes slowly as I pursue the brilliant light in the distance. After what seems to be an eternity of travel and thought, I arrive at a crossroads. The light has stopped moving and is on the other side. It’s high in the sky with streaming brightness shining down to the earth. As my eyes descend to what lies directly below the streaming light, I think my senses will explode. I can barely breathe as my heart races, my eyes water and my soul awakens. Although the cool breeze and the mist remain where I’m standing, on the other side of the crossroad is a miracle. Just footsteps and a rationalization away is the most beautiful meadow that my mind can conceive. It’s brilliant with sunlight and warmth. The sweet smell of success, life, and love rush from it. Majestic trees border the meadow filled with ripe fruit. Birds sing a melody so hypnotic that my fears and worries disappear. Life there is young and fresh and pure. Unconditional love awaits me.

Is this Heaven?

I waver for a moment. Surely I’m dreaming. However, I soon realized that I’m as conscious as one could reasonably expect a human being to be. My decision is instantly made. I run full force toward that gorgeous meadow. I know that when I reach it, my life

will be refreshed and changed forever. I hear its thoughts in the songs of the birds,

“Come to me, you can keep me beautiful by caring for me, feeding my desires, and loving me. Lie in my soft grass, eat my fruit, and I will be fulfilled by your presence.”

I reach deep into my being for strength to arrive there more quickly. I soar in the exotic illusion of hope fulfilled.

Without warning, I strike something cold and hard. I have been sprinting with such speed and abandon that the force of the collision knocks me backward into my world and into unconsciousness.

After what seems an eternity I awake, bleeding and disoriented, while destiny smiles at my ignorance. I immediately looked toward the meadow to see what rejected me. There, standing high and strong and unrelenting is a Wall, an imposing and grim Wall. It is

alive and appears proud of its ability to reject me. “Why didn’t I see it before? How could it have been built so quickly?” my mind screams. I’m also stunned by the fact that the meadow is no longer visible. It’s now behind its protective Wall.

The meadow revealed to me its irresistible beauty and then immediately protected itself from my entry with the Wall. I swiftly recover from the blow as emotion and will veil the pain of my wounds. I must find a way into the meadow.

The Wall was too hastily constructed to be invincible, and I am strong and determined. The reason the Wall rejected me so effortlessly was because I wasn’t prepared for its existence. It surprised me and that will not happen again. I make my plans for a full frontal assault on the obstacle in the path of my happiness.

I arm myself with powerful emotion, truth, and determination and then again, I charge the Wall. My will is strong, my desire intense, and the belief that I can eliminate any Wall is foremost in my mind. I have never failed when faced with a challenge, and I’m convinced that failure for me is impossible.

As I near the Wall, I lower my shoulders, open my heart, and collide. I am totally exposed to all aspects of my being.

The Wall remains.

The damage from the second collision to my heart and my determination is massive. Through the mist, I had not noticed that the Wall had grown thicker and taller since my first assault.

As time passes, I rest and heal. The natural reaction is to hate the Wall for the pain it inflicted upon me, but as I think of the beauty of the meadow it is protecting, hate is impossible.

I will not be defeated! I will try again.

I search my arsenal for my ultimate weapon. My heart and my emotions were not enough, but a full frontal, sincere assault is still my plan.

I will lead my next offensive with the essence of my being exposed. I will demolish the Wall with my spirit. I have always unconditionally safeguarded my spirit, so I feel grave apprehension about the risk of exposing it to the dangers of rejection. Oh, but the meadow, I deserve the meadow.

After dutiful preparation, I charge the Wall for the third time, leading with my soul, supported by my damaged heart and my injured determination. I focus all my strength on this attack. The moment before I crash into the Wall, my hopes soar, and I feel the Wall’s resolve weaken. The collision with the forces of my being and the resistance of the Wall is momentarily indecisive. The Wall moves and wavers.

However, the Wall remains.

The blackness of my failure temporarily conceals the pain, but soon my intensity returns. My mind demands time to heal. I have never given up in my life, but this rejection seems irreversible. I should just walk away. If I put enough distance between myself and the Wall, maybe I can eliminate the memory of what lies behind it. “Walk away. Walk away and don’t look back!” I silently scream to myself.

As I turn, my decision made, I hear a loud strange noise, almost a shriek. The sound is filled with sadness, and it demands my attention. The outcry came from somewhere along the Wall. It shrieks again and I look closer. Then I spot it, a tiny frog, much too small to create such a loud noise. For a moment, I think I detect a

tear in its eye. It appears to be trying to call my attention to three words, which are chiseled in the base of the Wall. I move closer and what I read freezes my emotions and my existence. I breathe deeply to regain control. The three words scramble my mind. “Love is Dead” These are more than words; these are my dreams being shattered.

I must try again to assault the Wall, and I know that my most powerful weapon is logic.

As I reach relative wellness for the third time, I opened my eyes again. They had been open, but they were not seeing. I was so focused on the Wall that I didn’t notice the changes in my surroundings. To my astonishment, the mist has lifted, and I see other meadows. Maybe they aren’t quite as beautiful, but easily accessible with no Walls protecting them. Possibly they have been there all along. They beckon to me and ask for a reply. I must answer them with the knowledge I gained from my futile assaults on the Wall.

. Full frontal assaults never work.

. Never lead with your heart.

. Protect your soul at all costs.

. Never allow emotions to control logic.

I walk to the Wall, look at it and try to remember what it was protecting. The meadow is now entombed in my memory behind its own wall. I gently touch the Wall; it warms and shudders slightly at my contact.

However, the Wall remains.

Then with my logic, unhindered by wounds, I’m astonished to realize that the Wall was protecting me, not the meadow. If I had crossed into the meadow, I would have traversed the line between life and death. The meadow was my paradise and the Wall was my will to live. I tried to die to relieve my loneliness, but the will and strength of my love of life kept me breathing.

I survived to keep searching for love.

Gary William Ramsey was born in Monroe, North Carolina. He graduated from Western Carolina University with degrees in Business Administration and Social Sciences. He enjoyed a highly successful career in retail, achieving the titles of President and CEO of two major U.S. corporations. Gary lived in 17 different locations in the USA and has traveled to numerous countries around the world. He uses these experiences in his writings. Gary presently resides in Cape Florida. He is the author of 11 novels and a book of poetry.