WHEN WILL I FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN FEAR?

when will I feel something other than fear?

I could not be gracious on the grounds of reciprocity
for alder-smoked virtues, the raucous night
ran parallel with joy
red and daring as denial in the hands of snails

I may forget my name, but I know
I danced in March morning light
like killdeers and brown-throated sparrows
that sing sweeter melodies

gin-soaked, I ran from heartache and
drowning in the fear of yesterday
I don’t know what I’m afraid of anymore

in the dreams that cling to my eyes
your thumb is a crown
it slips and presses the thoughts
under my chin and into my mouth

i’m alone again, the world churns
a party flares below and I wait
like Atlas, holding the world between my shoulders
their voices soften and the music hums
then lingers, like an echo
asleep, a few soft voices cut the night like embers

maybe I need to spend a thousand dollars
to feel something
other than tugging sadness or the burn
of gin in my empty stomach
maybe i need to fill my heart with the fear
that crowds my head, like a curse

a daffodil in grandfather’s garden

I look up to see
clouds shift overhead
there is nothing out time and life spread out
like a string
every day
it spools closer and closer
to the centre

Narcissus
gathers at the low pond’s edge
a congregation of myths in yellow and white
Liriope’s son under April sun,
a son of the river who only loved himself
my grandmother tucks her image between the long roots, a mirror of Narcissus’ face

but grandfather
he watered his garden with smiles
soft as mango slivers

Glück had her wild iris, I only have time
tucked into a glass bottle
buried in red earth
tangled in my long silky roots

there are only shapes
of suffering and fear in the nimbus

I will not rely on the augury of vapour to set the stage
for my years
my future is in my palms wet and soft as clay
it is to be
what I make it

Raphaela Pavlakos (she/her) is a 3rd year PhD candidate in McMaster University’s English and Cultural Studies department and a poet. Her research looks at Anishinaabe and Haudenosaunee poetry and landscape as alternative sites of memory, using research-creation to intersect her scholarly and creative production. Raphaela’s poetry can be found in Ekphrastic Review, Folklore Review, Talon Review, Persimmon Review, Midsummer Magazine, Taj Mahal Review, Word Hoard, Sanctuary: A Cootes Paradise Anthology, and graduate journals like The Lamp. She co-authored a self-published poetry collection called Mythopoesis in 2022 with Georgia Perdikoulias, which is available through Kindle Direct Publishing.